The film So I Married An Axe Murderer , starring the inimitable Mike Myers, is a work of pure genius, combining physical and cerebral comedy with exemplary instruction in navigating this mortal coil.
You may be thinking whaaaaaat? but hear me out, okay? Okay? Okay.
Warning: Here there be spoilers.
1. Trust Your First Impressions
Case in point: Charlie meets Rose.
Can anyone play nutjob better than Amanda Plummer? I think not.
Charlie: (as Rose attempts to hit him with an axe) What the FUCK?!
Life Lesson: So many of us take pains to ignore our gut instincts when we meet someone. We’re told it’s not fair to pigeon hole others (at least not before getting to know them better). However, there’s a damn good reason we have gut instincts to begin with, so by all means keep an open mind, but when your first impression screams ‘this person is batshit crazy!’ trust that you could be on to something.
2. TV and Movies Are Better Than Real Life
Case in point: Tony. Poor Tony. He became a cop with visions of chasing guys across a crowded city square, hanging on to that part of a helicopter. (You know that part? Underneath the thing that it lands? Do you, do you know that part?) And he’s never even commandeered a vehicle.
Tony Giardino: Excuse me sir, I’m with the San Francisco police department, this is official police business. I would like to commandeer this vehicle!
Commandeered Driver: No.
Life Lesson: Watch movies constantly. Avoid real life whenever possible, it’s bound to disappoint.
3. Relationships Are Hard
Case in point: Charlie and Harriet. Charlie is a commitmentphobe. Harriet is possibly Mrs. X., who kills off her husbands.
It’s a match made in Heaven, obviously.
Charlie Mackenzie: I’m afraid you’re gonna ki – leave me.
Harriet Michaels: That I’m gonna cleave you?
Life Lesson: Oftentimes in life, people need to step back and get their shit together before they can make a relationship work. At least, this is how it pretty much works in the movies: good times, followed by conflict, followed by conflict resolution = better times. No guarantees, though (refer to Life Lesson #2).
4. The Unknown Is Usually Best Left That Way
Case in point: haggis.
Exception: Paul Haggis.
Harriet Michaels: Do you actually like haggis?
Charlie Mackenzie: No, I think it’s repellent in every way. In fact, I think most Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.
Life Lesson: Avoid the unfamiliar. Nothing good can come from eating food simmered in an animal’s stomach.
5. Be Honest
Case in point: Tony the cop, attempting to go undercover
Charlie Mackenzie: So Tony, what’s the deal with your clothes?
Tony Giardino: What do ya mean?
Charlie Mackenzie: You look like Huggy Bear from Starsky and Hutch.
Life lesson: No matter how it may hurt their feelings, never let a friend go out looking like a 1970s pimp.
Case in point: Scene 1, Charlie being served at Cafe Roads.
Charlie Mackenzie: Excuse me, miss? There seems to be a mistake. I believe I ordered the *large* cappuccino. *Hello!* Look at the size of this thing.
Tony Giardino: It’s practically a bowl.
Charlie Mackenzie: It’s like Campbell’s Cup-O’-ccino!
Charlie Mackenzie: [laughing at his Campbell’s joke and wiping his tears] Oh, My sides. Please. Aidez-moi.
7. Poetry And Alliteration Go A Long Way When Wooing
Case in point: Charlie attempts (and succeeds) in getting Harriet back
Charlie Mackenzie: Harriet. Harry-ette. Hard-hearted harbinger of haggis. Beautiful, bemuse-ed, bellicose butcher. Un-trust… ing. Un-know… ing. Un-love… ed? “He wants you back,” he screamed into the night air like a fireman going to a window that has no fire… except the passion of his heart. I am lonely. It’s really hard. This poem… sucks.
Life Lesson: Learn to rhyme, or at least put together some interesting stream-of-consciousness prose. Ya never know.
8. Things Can Always Be Worse
Case in point: Stuart’s anniversary speech to May.
Stuart Mackenzie: Thirty years ago today, May and I were married. Some of you were there, some of you weren’t born, and some of you are now DEED! But, we both said “I do,” and we haven’t agreed on a single thing since.
May Mackenzie: That’s true!
Stuart Mackenzie: But I’m glad I married you, May, because hey, could’ve been worse.
Life Lesson: Groove on what you got, not what you don’t, because it could really suck more. Really.
9. The Scottish Are The Undisputed Extreme Party Champions Of The Universe
Case in point: Stuart Mackenzie
Stuart Mackenzie: [after Charlie and Harriet have been married] Let’s get pissed!
Stuart Mackenzie: [after exhausting a bagpipe player at Charlie and Harriet’s wedding]
We have a piper who’s down! Repeat, Piper Down!
Life lesson: Don’t try to outdo ’em. Just sit back and admire.
10. And last but not least…Sometimes The Conspiracy Theorists Are Right
Case in point: Stuart conveys his unique worldview to Tony.
It’s a well-known fact, Sonny Jim!
Life Lesson: Listen to the crazy people.
And here’s The La’s to sing us out with There She Goes: