Tag Archives: So I Married An Axe Murderer

The Tao Of Charlie (Life Lessons From “So I Married An Axe Murderer”)

The film So I Married An Axe Murderer , starring the inimitable Mike Myers, is a work of pure genius, combining physical and cerebral comedy with exemplary instruction in navigating this mortal coil.

You may be thinking whaaaaaat? but hear me out, okay?  Okay?   Okay.

Warning: Here there be spoilers.

1. Trust Your First Impressions
Case in point: Charlie meets Rose.
Can anyone play nutjob better than Amanda Plummer?  I think not.

Quotes:
Charlie: (as Rose attempts to hit him with an axe) What the FUCK?!

Life Lesson: So many of us take pains to ignore our gut instincts when we meet someone.  We’re told it’s not fair to pigeon hole others (at least not before getting to know them better).  However, there’s a damn good reason we have gut instincts to begin with, so by all means keep an open mind, but when your first impression screams ‘this person is batshit crazy!’ trust that you could be on to something.

You are a total nutcase, completely deranged, delusional, paranoid. Your thought process is all fucked up. Your information train is jammed, man!

2. TV and Movies Are Better Than Real Life
Case in point:  Tony.  Poor Tony.  He became a cop with visions of chasing guys across a crowded city square, hanging on to that part of a helicopter. (You know that part? Underneath the thing that it lands? Do you, do you know that part?)  And he’s never even commandeered a vehicle.

Quotes:
Tony Giardino: Excuse me sir, I’m with the San Francisco police department, this is official police business. I would like to commandeer this vehicle!
Commandeered Driver: No.

Life Lesson: Watch movies constantly.  Avoid real life whenever possible, it’s bound to disappoint.

No. No, there’s not.

3. Relationships Are Hard
Case in point: Charlie and Harriet.  Charlie is a commitmentphobe.  Harriet is possibly Mrs. X., who kills off her husbands.
It’s a match made in Heaven, obviously.

Quotes:
Charlie Mackenzie: I’m afraid you’re gonna ki – leave me.
Harriet Michaels: That I’m gonna cleave you?

Life Lesson: Oftentimes in life, people need to step back and get their shit together before they can make a relationship work.  At least, this is how it pretty much works in the movies: good times, followed by conflict, followed by conflict resolution = better times.  No guarantees, though (refer to Life Lesson #2).

4. The Unknown Is Usually Best Left That Way
Case in point: haggis.
Exception: Paul Haggis.

Quotes:
Harriet Michaels: Do you actually like haggis?
Charlie Mackenzie: No, I think it’s repellent in every way. In fact, I think most Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.

Life Lesson: Avoid the unfamiliar.  Nothing good can come from eating food simmered in an animal’s stomach.

5. Be Honest
Case in point:  Tony the cop, attempting to go undercover

Quotes:
Charlie Mackenzie: So Tony, what’s the deal with your clothes?
Tony Giardino: What do ya mean?
Charlie Mackenzie: You look like Huggy Bear from Starsky and Hutch.

Life lesson: No matter how it may hurt their feelings, never let a friend go out looking like a 1970s pimp.

6. Coffee.Is.The.Best.Thing.Ever

Case in point: Scene 1, Charlie being served at Cafe Roads.

Quotes:
Charlie Mackenzie: Excuse me, miss? There seems to be a mistake. I believe I ordered the *large* cappuccino. *Hello!* Look at the size of this thing.
Tony Giardino: It’s practically a bowl.
Charlie Mackenzie: It’s like Campbell’s Cup-O’-ccino!
Charlie Mackenzie: [laughing at his Campbell’s joke and wiping his tears] Oh, My sides. Please. Aidez-moi.

Life Lesson: No amount of coffee is too much.
MM Coffee

7. Poetry And Alliteration Go A Long Way When Wooing
Case in point: Charlie attempts (and succeeds) in getting Harriet back

Quotes:
Charlie Mackenzie: Harriet. Harry-ette. Hard-hearted harbinger of haggis. Beautiful, bemuse-ed, bellicose butcher. Un-trust… ing. Un-know… ing. Un-love… ed? “He wants you back,” he screamed into the night air like a fireman going to a window that has no fire… except the passion of his heart. I am lonely. It’s really hard. This poem… sucks.

Life Lesson: Learn to rhyme, or at least put together some interesting stream-of-consciousness prose. Ya never know.

MM Poetry

8. Things Can Always Be Worse

Case in point:  Stuart’s anniversary speech to May.

Quotes:
Stuart Mackenzie: Thirty years ago today, May and I were married. Some of you were there, some of you weren’t born, and some of you are now DEED! But, we both said “I do,” and we haven’t agreed on a single thing since.
May Mackenzie: That’s true!
Stuart Mackenzie: But I’m glad I married you, May, because hey, could’ve been worse.

Life Lesson: Groove on what you got, not what you don’t, because it could really suck more.  Really.

May, shut it!  Turn off the Bay City Rollers! The soccer game's about to start!

May, shut it! Turn off the Bay City Rollers! The soccer game’s about to start!

9. The Scottish Are The Undisputed Extreme Party Champions Of  The Universe

Case in point: Stuart Mackenzie

Quotes:
Stuart Mackenzie: [after Charlie and Harriet have been married] Let’s get pissed!
_______________
Stuart Mackenzie: [after exhausting a bagpipe player at Charlie and Harriet’s wedding]
We have a piper who’s down! Repeat, Piper Down!

Life lesson:  Don’t try to outdo ’em.  Just sit back and admire.

Why,  yes, yes I *am* Scottish.

Why, yes, yes I *am* Scottish.

10. And last but not leastSometimes The Conspiracy Theorists Are Right
Case in point: Stuart conveys his unique worldview to Tony.

Quotes:


It’s a well-known fact, Sonny Jim!

Life Lesson:  Listen to the crazy people.

And here’s The La’s to sing us out with There She Goes:

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Brain Candy Blog

Jean Seberg and Jean-Paul Belmondo in Breathless (À bout de souffle), Godard, 1960

One of these days, I’m gonna write a poignant, hard-hitting, intellectual piece that takes your current state of being and stands it on its head.

But today ain’t that day.  It’s Sunday. The day before the start of most work weeks.  The slow-down day.  Here, it’s grey and blustery.  Winter is threatening to arrive at any minute, like a relative you dread seeing.  Hearty stew eating weather, though I don’t have any at the moment, as I have to get rid of leftovers from the weekend.  It becomes a snarky kind of day, if you let it.  Happily, a bit of wine remains in the bottle, the fireplace is on and the kids are playing nicely.

I find myself lost in a reverie made up of films, and decided that the blog of the day would be listing some of my favourite lines.

I couldn’t find quotes for some, namely Il Postino (Radford, Troisi, 1994)  Burnt by the Sun (Mikhalkov, 1994), Trois Couleurs [Bleu, Blanc, Rouge] (Kieślowski, 1993/4) and Project Grizzly (Lynch, NFB, 1996), all of which you should see.

Sit back and relax.

Drama

The best thing about feeling happy is that you think you’ll never be unhappy again.
Kiss of The Spider Woman, Babenco, 1985

Mrs. Fisher: Women’s heads weren’t made for thinking, I assure you. I should go to bed and get well.
Caroline Dester: I am well.
Mrs. Fisher: Then why did you send a message that you were ill?
Caroline: I didn’t.
Mrs. Fisher: Then I’ve had all the trouble of coming out here for nothing.
Caroline: But wouldn’t you prefer coming out and finding me well than coming out and finding me ill?
The Enchanted April, Newell, 1992

Michael: All right. This one time I’ll let you ask me about my affairs.
Kay Adams: Is it true? Is it?
Michael: No.
[Kay smiles and walks into his arms]
Kay Adams: I guess we both need a drink, huh?
[Kay goes to the kitchen to fix a drink, but sees Peter Clemenza, Rocco Lampone and Al Neri enter Michael’s office]
Clemenza: Don Corleone. [kisses Michael’s ring]
The Godfather, Coppola, 1972

Cecil: Your mama thought you were golden so we named you after yellow flowers and corn. This is you here…
[cuts some purslane from garden]
Cecil: …pretty, golden purslane.
Pursy: Purslane’s really a weed, you know. A neighbor told me when I was 9 and I ran over his tomato plants. He said all gardeners hate purslane.
Cecil: Yeah, and dandelions. Doesn’t stop kids from making wishes on ’em.
A Love Song for Bobby Long, Gabel, 2004

Comedy

Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Only I didn’t say “Fudge.” I said THE word, the big one, the queen-mother of dirty words, the “F-dash-dash-dash” word!
Mr. Parker: [stunned] *What* did you say?
Ralphie: Uh, um…
Mr. Parker: That’s… what I thought you said. Get in the car. Go on!
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] It was all over – I was dead. What would it be? The guillotine? Hanging? The chair? The rack? The Chinese water torture? Hmmph. Mere child’s play compared to what surely awaited me.
A Christmas Story, Clark, 1983

Alvy Singer: I was thrown out of N.Y.U. my freshman year for cheating on my metaphysics final, you know. I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
Annie Hall, Allen, 1977

Stuart Mackenzie: Well, it’s a well known fact, Sonny Jim, that there’s a secret society of the five wealthiest people in the world, known as The Pentavirate, who run everything in the world, including the newspapers, and meet tri-annually at a secret country mansion in Colorado, known as The Meadows.
Tony Giardino: So who’s in this Pentavirate?
Stuart Mackenzie: The Queen, The Vatican, The Gettys, The Rothschilds, *and* Colonel Sanders before he went tits up. Oh, I hated the Colonel with is wee *beady* eyes, and that smug look on his face. “Oh, you’re gonna buy my chicken! Ohhhhh!”
Charlie Mackenzie: Dad, how can you hate “The Colonel”?
Stuart Mackenzie: Because he puts an addictive chemical in his chicken that makes ya crave it fortnightly, smartass!
So I Married An Axe Murderer, Schlamme, 1993

Juno MacGuff: I’ll take some of these. Nope… There it is. The little pink plus sign is so unholy.
[shakes pregnancy tester]
Rollo: That ain’t no Etch-A-Sketch. This is one doodle that can’t be un-did, Homeskillet.
Juno, Reitman, 2007

Action

[stumbles out of wrecked truck]
The Joker: [to Batman] Come on, I want you to do it, I want you to do it. Come on, hit me. Hit me!
The Dark Knight, Nolan, 2008

Indiana: The Ark of the Covenant, the chest that the Hebrews used to carry around the Ten Commandments.
Major Eaton: What, you mean THE Ten Commandments?
Indiana: Yes, the actual Ten Commandments, the original stone tablets that Moses brought down from Mt. Horeb and smashed, if you believe in that sort of thing…
[the officers stare at him blankly]
Indiana: Didn’t any of you guys ever go to Sunday school?
Raiders of the Lost Ark, Speilberg, 1981

Léon: You need some time to group up a little.
Mathilda: I finished growing up, Léon. I just get older.
Léon: For me it’s the opposite. I’m old enough. I need time to grow up.
Mathilda: Is life always this hard, or is it just when you’re a kid?
Léon: Always like this.
The Professional (Léon )Besson, 1994

Delia Surridge: [V gives her a rose] Are you going to kill me now?
V: I killed you 10 minutes ago.
[shows her hypodermic needle]
V: While you slept.
Delia Surridge: Is there any pain?
V: No.
Delia Surridge: Thank you. Is it too late to apologize?
V: Never.
Delia Surridge: I’m so sorry.
V For Vendetta, McTeigue, 2006

Foreign Language

Antonia: This is no time for Schopenhauer. This is important.
Antonia’s Line, Gorris, 1995

Narrator: On September 3rd 1973, at 6:28pm and 32 seconds, a bluebottle fly capable of 14,670 wing beats a minute landed on Rue St Vincent, Montmartre. At the same moment, on a restaurant terrace nearby, the wind magically made two glasses dance unseen on a tablecloth. Meanwhile, in a 5th-floor flat, 28 Avenue Trudaine, Paris 9, returning from his best friend’s funeral, Eugène Colère erased his name from his address book. At the same moment, a sperm with one X chromosome, belonging to Raphaël Poulain, made a dash for an egg in his wife Amandine. Nine months later, Amélie Poulain was born.
Amélie, Jeunet, 2001

Michel Poiccard: When we talked, I talked about me, you talked about you, when we should have talked about each other.
Breathless [À bout de souffle] Godard, 1960

Animated

Mr. Fox: [in a cellar with many of the other animal characters] Allright, let’s start planning. Who knows shorthand?
[Linda raises her hand]
Mr. Fox: Great! Linda! Lutra Lutra – you got some dry paper?
[she holds up some paper]
Mr. Fox: Here we go. Mole! Talpa Europea! What d’you got?
Mole: I can see in the dark.
Mr. Fox: That’s incredible! We can use that! Linda?
Linda Otter: Got it.
Mr. Fox: Rabbit! Oryctolagus Cuniculus!
Rabbit: I’m fast.
Mr. Fox: You bet you are. Linda?
Linda Otter: Got it.
Mr. Fox: Beaver! Castor Fiber!
Beaver: I can chew through wood.
Mr. Fox: Amazing! Linda!
Linda Otter: Got it.
Mr. Fox: Badger! Meles Meles!
Badger: Demolitions expert.
Mr. Fox: What? Since when?
The Fantastic Mr. Fox, Anderson, 2009

Sosuke: [after several waves with eyes fail to catch him by the shore]     That was weird.
Ponyo (Gake no ue no Ponyo, dubbed Japanese), Miyakazi, 2008

Gru: Clearly we need to set a few rules. Rule number one: You will not touch anything.
Margo: Aha. What about the floor?
Gru: Yes, you may touch the floor
Margo: What about the air?
Gru: Yes, you may touch the air.
Edith: What about this?
[Holds a ray gun on her hands, the laser sight aimed right at Gru]
Gru: Ah! Where did you get that?
Edith: Found it.
[Gru takes it away from her]
Gru: Rule number two: You will not bother me while I’m working. Rule number three: You will not cry, or whine, or laugh, or giggle, or sneeze or barf or fart!  So no, no, no annoying sounds. All right?
Agnes: Does this count as annoying?
[puckles her cheeks]
Gru: [Stops her] Very!
Despicable Me, Coffin/Renaud, 2010

Science Fiction

Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: You all wanna be looking very intently at your own belly buttons. I see a head start to rise, violence is going to ensue. Probably guessed we mean to be thieving here but what we’re after is not yours. So, let’s have no undue fussing.

~ and ~

The Operative: That girl will rain destruction down on you and your ship. She is an albatross, Captain.
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: Way I remember it, albatross was a ship’s good luck, ’til some idiot killed it.
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: [to Inara] Yes, I’ve read a poem. Try not to faint.
Serenity, Whedon, 2005

[HAL’s shutdown]
HAL: I’m afraid. I’m afraid, Dave. Dave, my mind is going. I can feel it. I can feel it. My mind is going. There is no question about it. I can feel it. I can feel it. I can feel it. I’m a… fraid. Good afternoon, gentlemen. I am a HAL 9000 computer. I became operational at the H.A.L. plant in Urbana, Illinois on the 12th of January 1992. My instructor was Mr. Langley, and he taught me to sing a song. If you’d like to hear it I can sing it for you.
Dave Bowman: Yes, I’d like to hear it, HAL. Sing it for me.
HAL: It’s called “Daisy.”
[sings while slowing down]
HAL: Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer do. I’m half crazy all for the love of you. It won’t be a stylish marriage, I can’t afford a carriage. But you’ll look sweet upon the seat of a bicycle built for two.
2001: A Space Odyssey, Kubrick, 1968

Batty: I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser gate. All those moments will be lost in time… like tears in rain… Time to die.
Deckard: [narrating] I don’t know why he saved my life. Maybe in those last moments he loved life more than he ever had before. Not just his life – anybody’s life; my life. All he’d wanted were the same answers the rest of us want. Where did I come from? Where am I going? How long have I got? All I could do was sit there and watch him die.
Blade Runner, Scott, 1982

Classics

Mary: Bread… that this house may never know hunger.
[Mary hands a loaf of bread to Mrs. Martini]
Mary: Salt… that life may always have flavor.
[Mary hands a box of salt to Mrs. Martini]
George Bailey: And wine… that joy and prosperity may reign forever.
[George hands Mr. Martini a bottle of wine]
It’s a Wonderful Life, Capra, 1946

Who are those guys?
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, Hill, 1969

Captain Renault: I’ve often speculated why you don’t return to America. Did you abscond with the church funds? Run off with a senator’s wife? I like to think you killed a man. It’s the Romantic in me.
Casablanca, Curtiz, 1942

I don’t know when I came to realize it, but my entire life can be summarized with sound bites.
Mi Vita Loca, Lee McBride, 2011

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